Allright I know for a fact that this blog is gonna cause drama cause whenever this blog gets serious it causes drama. I can think of one person who has been bugging me to write this and one person (morning workout buddy) who will be a bit hurt that I didn't mention this to him, but trust me I did it for good reason. Allright during the last weeks while the school stuff and riding horses were going on was Leadership selection time for Intervarsity Christian Fellowship on Texas Tech campus. To make things absolutely clear I've been on leadership for a school year and I have more or less loved every minute of it. They assigned me to the E-team. The e-team plans all non-small group events. Large group, Friday Night Fun, big events, retreats(when we have em). Its a team that has ranged between 4 and 6 people and I'd say that my experiences have forced me to grow. The first semester I was on a team with 4 other people who thought completely different from me. None were engineering minded people and therefore we were on seperate wavelengths and at times the meetings DRAGGED on much to my chagrin. However, they were productive and except for a few equipment malfunctions during the course of the semester the events went smoothly and the NSO events were a blast. The spring semester was a different animal the two other guys on the team were leaving and were replaced by two girls. So I became the only guy voice for planning on the e-team. This however was not as bad as it might sound. Because of the semester before had taught me how to go aobut speaking to people who think much differently than I in a much better fashion I was able function on the same level. Basically I spent meetings thinking about ideas for events depending on what we were planning (both fall and spring). If I had an idea I would say it quietly and then if I felt it was really good would carefully push to get it accepted. So I kept my mouth shut until I had something to add. Which works well for both situations, you can't get yourself in trouble if you say nothing flippantly and when you do speak you get listened to. So overall I felt that my time on the e-team was very productive and caused me to grow as a person or at least in a bit of wisdom about group dynamics. So onto the purpose of this blog. I went into the leadership interview and I tried to make it as clear as possible that I wanted to be on the e-team again very badly. I also did not want to be a small group leader. My reasoning is that I ahve done small group leading before and while I was generally effective I neither enjoyed it nor was very good at it. So I know for a fact that there are people in IV that can better serve in that position, but its not something I would be unable to do. So before the interview you fill out a questionaire about 4 pages long of things about your year on leadership and what you would like to see happen next year. Sometimes it can be quite difficult for me to quantify in words what the answers to some of these questions are, but I struggled through and put a lot of effort into the sections of what I would like to see next year, including an idea or two for the NSO(New Student Outreach) and the idea that an IVCF disciplship group could be an incredible force for evangelizing on campus. However, during the interview I found out that apparently they only read the sections that I ahve the most trouble answering(which is probably another engineer/non-engineer mindset thing). So during the interview I got no questions about what I felt the most strongly about which was where I wanted the fellowship to go. So after the interview and questionaire the "leadership selection team" who goes unnamed so I can't go talk to them about things spends a few weeks going over everything and then has an "exit interview" and tells you your position for the next year. I went in expecting that over my objections they would make me small group leader and not e-team member instead I get niether. It turns out that the fellowship has been shrinking for the last few years or so and there weren't many people signed up for leadership this year. So in consequence a position known as "core member" was cut. A core member was the lowest on the totem pole of leadership, jsut there to help the small group leader organize things and bring food and to show up to leadership meetings. There was also usually a co-leader for a small group. I was informed that I would be placed in a "new" position for next fall. I would be a small group leaders assitant. This postition would be the duties of a core member plus leading a small group late in the semester after I'd "had a chance to watch the leader some". Needless to say I'm still hurt and a bit angry at this assignment. I feel like I've been slapped in the face. I worked hard and showed good fruit for a year on a position that I enjoyed and instead of getting rewarded for my efforts and dedication I'm instead relegated to non-leadership position. Rec Week will be coming up right after finals and during the week I will have to undergo small group leader training. Normally this would mean I would be leading a small group, but instead some of the NEW people on leadership will be leading a small group with jsut this training where as I will be "watching" so I will know how to do it. Its like first being told that you did a bad job in the position we had you in so we're going to demote you. Then since we apparently don't respect your intelligence or abilities we'll make sure to humiliate you by making you "watch" to make sure you can do it. Like I said earlier it feels like a slap in the face. I've spent the last week and half or so mulling this over. Trying to decide if I even want to accept the position. For the first time in a year and half on Intervarsity I've debated leaving the group entirely. I've got plenty of good reasons, I'm a triple major and after 3 years of easy classes I'll be breaking into the upper level engineering classes next semester as well as taking 19 hours. My health is not all that good and the stress of a group like IV is significant and I could even gain back a weekend or two from retreats. These are all valid reasons and to top them off apparently what I've suspected for the last few months is true. Many of the people on leadership either don't respect me or don't trust me. I could name a few names that I'm sure would raise some eyebrows among my readership and I'm tempted to for the simple fact that one person in particular raises my temper jsut by being around, but I'm gonna be nice and hold my tongue off of her as a subject. In summary I don't know what I'm going to do about this. I feel hurt, disrespected and this is the sort of situation where I normally just decide that God is pushing me in another direction. There is an idea that has been growing on my heart for the last semester or so I could quit IVCF and focus on that idea. But on the other hand there are few people in this group that I really enjoy the company of, but there are several groups who I had to give up hanging with because leadership took so much of my time. There is another problem. They mentioned this 6 hour commitment. They want everyone on leadership to spend at least 6 hours with people from their small group outside of SG itself. This is a fine goal for those who live in the dorms and their nearest small-group member is two doors down, but I live off campus. The time commitment is truly staggering as well with the 6 hour commitment I would spend almost 12 hours at IV stuff every week. That would bring my total commitment for school plus IV to 31 hours a week, plus a minimum of two hours per hour of class each week brings me to 69 hours a week. Plus working on saturday to cover the tution hike brings me to 77 hours of committment per week. I don't mind spending that much time with people every week but when you start looking on how to work that into a schedule problems with the Noble idea become very apparent. Once again people who have no idea what studying is really like making time commitments for others. I'm sounding bitter right now and its because I am in three years at school I ahve people complaing to me about studying to much or not hanging out enough and its really starting to get old. If I hear one more business major complain about having to study two hours for a test I'll probably kill him/her. Anyways I ranted I'm sorry, but this blog was about me really feeling shafted by my assignment on leadership this year and trying to work out just what to do about it. This blog was the first step, because after two weeks of thinking I'm sure the leadership people thought everything was fine with the new posts and this will upset some of them greatly I"m sure, but I feel like I had to say something now or else I would jsut spend next year suffering in a useless position having little to no effect on anyone spiritually and not growing as a leader or a person at all. I offered to serve willingly and I'll stand by that, but I still feel that this position is not what I want to spend two semesters doing. I'll leave this open for comments now and Lord help me because I know their gonna come. Coming from the dissapointed and hurt side of a seemingly inefficient process - Ferris
Hey Matt, I been thinking about this alot. I really feel I need to talk to you about this so I will do so later,i don't want to leave my comments on line. I understand where you are coming from but I prefer a one on one:) Mike
posted by: FlameRose (reply)
post date: 05.04.04 (6:19 pm)
You know, Matt, sometimes you have to leave things alone that you really enjoy in order to get the things done that must be done. Likewise, sometimes you have to make time for yourself and leave 'real life' alone. I don't think this situation is either. Maybe God is trying to humble you for some reason? But if I was in your shoes, I would realize that I just didn't have time for that much commitment, and let it go. And I think that's what God is trying to tell you as well. We all know that you're not giving up your commitment to God or witnessing, but giving up an unreasonable commitment to people who obviously don't really need your help anyway. I'm sure you were vaulable for a time, but perhaps that time is past. I don't know if any of that made sense, or helped you in any way, but I'm here if you need to talk, as always. Love you.
posted by: ragvb (reply)
post date: 05.07.04 (5:22 pm)
I hope this isn't inappropriate, but You have chosen to not return my messages, so I thought I would write a little myself since you went public with this situation without ever talking to people that are involved. I hope you decide to talk to me at some point so that we can talk and work this out. Well, I don't know how many people have read this, so i hope you are not too disappointed with the small amount of comments. I hope those who do read this will ask you good questions in understanding this situation and be able to help you understand that you seem to sound confused. One thing is that you say your too busy for such an insignificant role, but feel that you deserve a role of more importance. Well with more importance, there is more responsibility and therefore more time is needed. So, I don't understand why your so offended and pissed. You control your schedule so that is all in your corner. Perhaps, the leadership selection team came to that conclusion that you were not available enough. I will post more if you decide that a conversation is not needed. Hoping you will see the truth and respond to it. Rene
